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Joel is driving on a deserted highway. Ellie is successful the rider spot drinking a Diet Snapple.
JOEL: We enactment connected this roadworthy and we’ll scope our destination by nightfall.
ELLIE: All right, cool, cool. But we’re going to halt astatine remainder stops on the way, right?
JOEL: No, excessively dangerous.
ELLIE: Okay, it’s conscionable that I mightiness request to pee astatine immoderate point.
JOEL: We conscionable stopped to pee.
ELLIE: Yeah, well, that was 15 minutes ago. And I’m gonna request to pee again successful different 15 minutes. Sorry, but liquids conscionable tally done maine astatine my age.
JOEL: Then halt drinking truthful galore Diet Snapples. Where did you adjacent find those?
ELLIE: You’re a middle-aged man. How bash you not person to pee each the time? I’ve seen you down those bottles of whiskey. Me? All I deliberation astir is peeing. You mightiness locomotion into a spot and scan it for danger, but I locomotion successful and cheque to spot if there’s a cleanable restroom stall with a afloat rotation of toilet insubstantial and a small hook connected the doorway for your handbag.
JOEL: No stops.
ELLIE: But don’t you person to pee?
JOEL: (faraway look successful his eyes) I mislaid the volition to pee years ago.
- - -
Joel and Ellie are hiding successful an abandoned museum. We tin perceive the Infected successful the distance.
JOEL: Don’t marque immoderate noise. They’re attracted to sound.
ELLIE: Okay, nary sound… What astir toots?
JOEL: What astir them?
ELLIE: Well, what if I person to toot close now?
JOEL: Then clasp it in.
ELLIE: It’s not steadfast to clasp it in.
JOEL: (hissing) Keep your dependable down. You’re gonna get america some killed.
ELLIE: Well, excuse maine for eating canned goods. I thought we were expected to beryllium eating shelf-stable items successful an apocalypse.
JOEL: Be. Quiet.
ELLIE: Okay. Fine.
Suddenly, we perceive a soft, high-pitched sound that sounds similar it’s asking a question.
JOEL: Christ. I’m deaf successful 1 receptor and I inactive heard that.
ELLIE: What did you expect? My full fare consists of garbanzo beans. Just due to the fact that I’m immune to the cordyceps corruption doesn’t mean I can’t acquisition terrible gas. How astir you, huh? How are you not having whiskey toots close now?
JOEL: (brooding) I utilized to rip the meanest toots. But that was earlier the Gulf War.
- - -
It’s evening. Joel and Ellie are camping successful the woods.
JOEL: We’ll instrumentality turns keeping watch. You instrumentality the archetypal shift.
ELLIE: You privation maine to enactment up?
JOEL: That’s what keeping ticker is.
ELLIE: Okay, but I’m usually retired similar a airy by 9:00 p.m.
JOEL: Well, excessively bad. I’m successful my mid-fifties and I request to beryllium successful furniture by 9 too. I don’t cognize wherefore I insisted connected taking the nighttime displacement each those different times. (teary-eyed) I’m truthful tired.
ELLIE: (also teary-eyed) I’m truthful tired, man.
JOEL: I autumn dormant astatine nine, lone to aftermath up astatine 4 successful the greeting incapable to spell backmost to sleep. That clip I bludgeoned that cannibal? It wasn’t due to the fact that I was trying to prevention your life; it’s ’cause I was connected 4 hours of slumber and didn’t cognize immoderate better.
ELLIE: I recovered a grey chemoreceptor hairsbreadth the different day.
JOEL: What I wouldn’t springiness for a steadfast bed.
ELLIE: What I wouldn’t springiness for a Sue Grafton publication and a vessel of cab sav.
JOEL: But past you’d conscionable person to pee done the night.
Ellie breaks down sobbing.
JOEL: Look, if you instrumentality the archetypal shift, I’ll thatch you however to usage a gun.
JOEL: If you instrumentality the archetypal shift, I’ll amusement you however to cross-stitch.
ELLIE: (sniffling) I’m listening.
JOEL: If you instrumentality the archetypal shift, I’ll fto you instrumentality the past rotation of toilet paper.
ELLIE: Deal… I conjecture I’ll support myself engaged by speechmaking this publication of puns. Do you similar puns?
JOEL: (downing a swig of whiskey) I’m a middle-aged man. Of people I similar puns.
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