Just Because I’m a Bank, Doesn’t Mean I’m Good with Money

McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON

“Regulators unopen down Silicon Valley Bank connected Friday, successful the largest U.S. slope nonaccomplishment since the 2008 fiscal crisis.” — The New York Times, 3/13/23

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Look, I get it, I’m a bank, and with that comes definite expectations. That I’m bully with money. That I’ll support your money. That I cognize what wealth is and however it works. But those are outdated stereotypes. Nowadays, banks tin beryllium anything, including atrocious with money.

When you person the past sanction Bank, your aboriginal is beauteous overmuch mapped retired for you. You spell into the household concern and bash your best. And my champion was mismanaging funds truthful egregiously that it shattered Americans’ assurance successful the full US banking system.

But earlier radical commencement throwing stones astatine solid houses—houses that present teeter adjacent foreclosure—ask yourself, are you bully with money? Probably not. Because managing wealth is hard. It should beryllium near to the professionals, whoever they are. It should not beryllium near to me, idiosyncratic who can’t equilibrium their checkbook. I mean, who adjacent uses a checkbook anymore? Certainly not me.

I should get immoderate recognition for knowing my weaknesses, which are hazard management, monitoring capital, tracking involvement rates, and knowing numbers. The willingness to judge your weaknesses is really a motion of strength. Any effort to alteration those weaknesses would undermine maine arsenic a person. And earlier you accidental corporations are not people, past I would punctual you that a small happening called Citizens United said we are.

Haven’t we each made atrocious wealth decisions? Haven’t we each had a mates of glasses of wine, did immoderate online shopping, and overdrawn our accounts? Haven’t we each bought worldly with recognition cards and said, “That’s not existent money.” Haven’t we each wildly miscalculated our involvement complaint risk, wiping retired our full equity? I deliberation we tin each hold we have.

Instead of focusing connected what I’m not bully at, let’s speech astir what I’ve done right. No 1 gave maine recognition for starting my ain business. You cognize 20 percent of each caller businesses fail? That means, for a while, I was amended than 80 percent of businesses. I whitethorn not beryllium bully astatine math, but those numbers don’t lie. I besides gave radical a batch of wealth to bargain houses, cars, boats, diamonds, and companies. Some would accidental that is wherefore I failed. But I don’t see generosity a failure. If largesse is simply a crime, past fastener maine up—metaphorically speaking. I don’t truly privation to spell to prison. And astir apt I won’t, since Trump rolled backmost a clump of banking regulations. Thanks for that, my dude.

Just due to the fact that I won’t look immoderate ineligible repercussions doesn’t mean beingness volition beryllium easy. Sure, the authorities volition screen my debts, and taxpayers volition wage for my mistakes, but I’ll ever person the stink of nonaccomplishment connected me. Look astatine each the different Banks that person taken authorities handouts. JPMorgan, Bank of America, Morgan Stanley, Goldman Sachs. Those guys were ruined. Not financially, but emotionally. I cognize they’ve ne'er formally apologized, but you tin spot successful their eyes however atrocious they consciousness astir everything.

So I’m not bully with money, large deal. Lots of radical aren’t. And, yes, banks similar maine complaint those radical overdraft fees, repossess their cars and homes, and instrumentality them to court, squeezing them for each past penny. But I ne'er liked doing that. Just similar I ne'er liked diversifying my assets oregon readying for semipermanent solvency.

I had a bully run, particularly fixed I failed to conscionable each azygous measurement utilized to justice what a slope should be. But I’ll beryllium okay. I’ll beryllium bought, sliced up, divided off, and it’ll beryllium similar this full happening ne'er happened. Because honestly, what are the chances determination are TWO banks retired determination that are atrocious with money?

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