McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON
“Michael Knowles—right-wing political commentator associated with the Daily Wire—said ‘for the good of society… transgenderism must be eradicated from public life entirely’ at the Conservative Political Action Conference Saturday afternoon.” – The Daily Beast, 3/5/23
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I, Jay Ludlow Martin, previously known as Laura Jayne Martin, until a legal name change, which likely still has not been corrected on my insurance card because of incompetence on the part of the insurance company—however, they did manage to pay for my top surgery, so fine, whatever—of New York, New York, revoke my former Wills and Codicils and declare this to be my last will and testament.
IDENTIFICATION OF FAMILY
I am (for now, unless the Supreme Court has already undone it) married to Lillian Tass Martin, and all references in this will to “my spouse” are references to Lillian Tass Martin.
The names of my children are [redacted] and [redacted]. All references in this will to “my children” are references to the above-named children and any children born to me or adopted by me after the signing of this will.
PAYMENT OF DEBTS AND EXPENSES
I direct that my just debts, funeral expenses, and expenses of last illness be first paid from my estate, but good luck getting one red cent out of that, considering transgender adults are twice as likely as cisgender adults to be unemployed. While at the time of writing, I am privileged enough to have a job, cisgender employees make about 32 percent more money each year than their transgender colleagues, even when the latter have similar or higher education levels. So, basically, Article is never going to see those last few couch payments. Same goes for those student loans, but that wasn’t happening even if I hadn’t been brutally murdered in a transphobic hate crime.
>>INSERT BELOW AMENDMENTS FOR WHEN I AM BRUTALLY MURDERED IN A HATE CRIME<<
DISPOSITION OF PROPERTY
A. Specific Bequests.
I direct that the following specific bequests be made from my estate.
- Six dollars every four weeks until the end of time shall be distributed to the New York Times. I know having one fewer trans person to use for your own gain will likely hit you hard as you are a multibillion-dollar revenue-generating industry leader. I hope all those articles, you know the ones, helped you further your goal of ten million digital subscribers by 2025. As you said, you have different goals from a nonprofit.
- Per election cycle, $3,300 shall be distributed to each Republican candidate, as theirs is the party of hard-working Americans. Even though I was never a Republican, I was definitely a hard-working American. That is until I was brutally murdered by a hard-working transphobic American. Now that I’m dead, I don’t work as hard. But that’s on me.
- Distribute $4,370 to the 138 school districts in thirty-two US states whose districts represent 5,049 schools. This will cover the cost of the 674 banned books that explicitly address LGBTQ+ themes or have protagonists or prominent secondary characters who are LGBTQ+. That includes the 145 specific titles for transgender characters or stories. This whole thing wasn’t my fault per se; I just feel bad that you spent money on all those banned books, considering school budgets these days are being slashed.
- Give $100 each to the one hundred largest churches in the US, none of which are LGBTQ+ affirming. Since a transphobic person brutally murdered me, I will likely be trying to get into heaven. I was never really religious; it’s hard to say why, so I figure I can balance that out with some donations. Going for the biggest churches feels like it will get me more bang for my buck, you know, with God.
- One dollar shall be distributed to J. K. Rowling. I never read those books, but you seem to need all the help you can get. If this beneficiary does not survive me, this bequest shall be distributed to online TERFs. If this beneficiary does not survive me, that would be really cool, and also, this bequest shall be distributed with my residuary estate.
B. Remaining Tangible Personal Property.
My remaining tangible personal property shall be distributed to my spouse. If this beneficiary does not survive me because she was also brutally murdered during my brutal transphobic murder, then this property shall be distributed to our children.
I hereby state that, in addition to the directives and bequests as outlined in this will, it is my desire and wish to include the following special directives and last wishes:
- Do not, under any circumstances, create a true crime podcast surrounding the events of my death—especially if you can’t get it on iTunes and Spotify, and you put it on something stupid called “Buzzbean” or “Podsprout” or “Apple Music.”
- Do not create any Netflix series delving into the mind of my surprisingly attractive murderer, even if the landscape shots are hauntingly ephemeral.
- Do not air a 60 Minutes investigation where you have to explain to the viewership what a trans is.
- Do not rip my death from the headlines for the plot of Law & Order, even Special Victims Unit, even though I am incredibly special and was clearly the victim of a brutal homophobic and/or (more likely) transphobic murder.
- Do not allow Dateline to make a special episode uncovering never-before-seen facts about my brutal transphobic murder.
- Comedy specials are fine. (Not you, Dave Chappelle.)
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have subscribed my name below, this sixth day of March 2023.
— Jay Ludlow Martin
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